How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
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waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
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