“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
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Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.