I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
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just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.