I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
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Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
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[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My purse is deeper than some people.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
black phone good
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck