97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
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You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Holy moly
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I wish I could veto my bills.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song