i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
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I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean