Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
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Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective