Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
You Might Also Like
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it