Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
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*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
so i’m at the stock market right
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Cause of death: Zumba
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”