“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
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This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Good dog. ❤️
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”