New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
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[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.