Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
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Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
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3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on