Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
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Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
me after eating Cheetos
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.