TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
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My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
philosophical skeletons be like
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*