After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
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My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*