Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
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You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you