If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
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Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
two people or more is called a problem
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.