My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby