Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
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My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
How do dragons blow out candles?
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?