I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
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Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
We need to put an American base on the sun