Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
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I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.