no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
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The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Not all heroes wear capes…
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.