Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
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Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us