What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
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saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.