We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
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Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though