No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
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Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also