ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
You Might Also Like
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
was Jim off killing horses or…
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I don’t hate children, just yours.