Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
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Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
pelicons
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.