I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
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Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*