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I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.