The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
You Might Also Like
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
*3.5 thank you very much.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.