$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
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2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice