Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
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of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
so, is there a mister shapen head
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?