If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
You Might Also Like
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
BRO LMFAO
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.