Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
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7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.