Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
You Might Also Like
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
early stone age tool
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?