[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
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[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u