Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
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Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?