Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
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Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.