Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
wishing you and yours all the best
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate