Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
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Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
this article brought to you by lions
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
The Book. The Movie.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math