I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
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If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Twitter is an abusement park.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.