I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
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[shakes fist at other fist]
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.