Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
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‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
A double negative is a big no-no.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke