“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
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My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.