BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
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Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.