Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Money is the root of all wealth
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Raisins are grape jerky.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️