Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
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Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password