[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
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employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.