Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
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A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I wanna be friends with this person
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.